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angel and buffy- a relationship doomed

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Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there were only 12 grades.

Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go way back, old friends. Very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people but, now here we are like old times, I'm quite moved.

Xander: Can I just say, "Yeeegch!"
Buffy: I'll see your "yeeegch" and raise you a "Ne-yeagh"...

Cordelia:Who am I supposed to be, again?
Xander:You're supposed to be a girl. Think you can handle it?

Cordelia:What am I, mass transportation?
Xander:That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker- room talk, I wouldn't pay it any mind.

Xander:I have a plan. We wait. Buffy saves us.
Cordelia:How will she even know where to find us?
Xander:Cordelia, this is Buffy's house. Odds are she'll find us.

Xander: We're your bosom friends, the friends of your bosom.

Xander: The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence.

Xander: Just for the record, you were right. I'm an idiot, and God bless you.

Xander: What kind of a girly name is 'Angel' anyway?

Xander: For I am Xandar, King of Cretins, all lesser cretins bow down before me.

Xander: Forgiveness is my middle name. Well actually, it's Lavelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Xander: We're right behind you, only further back

Xander: Can I just mention that detention is a time-honored form of punishment.

Xander: No, I--I can't. I have my pride. Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.

Xander: I'm sorry. I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face...

Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?

Ampata:You are strange.
Xander:Girls always tell me that right before they run away.
Ampata:I _like_ it.
Xander:I like you like it. Please, don't learn from my English.

Cordelia: All I can think is, 'It could have been me!
Xander: We can dream.

Xander:Okay, next time we split up, someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we would have had another organ donor.

Xander:We're in the crime club. Which is kind of like the chess club, only with crime, and no chess.

Xander:'Oh, yeah. Fall for the old let-me-translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you come on. Do you know how many times I've used that?

Xander:Oh, yeh- I, uh...
Buffy:I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful.
Xander:Fahth.
Buffy:You're welcome.

Xander:Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret and it's a little bit scary. I like you... a lot. And I want you to go with me to the dance.
Ampata:Why is that scary?
Xander:Well, because you never know if a girl's going to say yes, or if she's going to laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Ampata:Well, then, you are very courageous.

Xander: So the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter, and we're like, 'Fine. La la la la.' He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?

Xander:And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy food feeling in your stomach.

Xander:So, Cor, are you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with the halter top tonight?

Buffy:I do think she cared about you.
Xander:Yeah, but I think that whole sucking-the-life-out-of-people thing would have been a strain on the relationship

Buffy:Angel barely says two words to me.
Xander:Don't you hate that?
Buffy:And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.
Xander:That bastard.
Buffy:You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.
Xander:Yeah. Tom? Who's Tom?
Willow:The frat guy.
Xander:Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire?

Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I'm safe.

Xander: First vampires, then witches, no wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.

Xander:One day, I'll have money, prestige, power... and on that day they'll still have more.

Xander:Hello? That was our touching reconciliation moment there.

Xander:Too bulky. I prefer my women in spandex.

Xander:Buffy, Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe. I completely renounce spandex.
Xander:Hey, Will, that's a fine boo you got there.

Xander:Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?  Hey man, how ya doin'?

Narrator:Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess.
Willow:I hope this story ends with, And she lived happily ever after.
Xander:No, I think it ends with, And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.

Jesse: Is it just me or are you turning into a bibling idiot?
Xander: No, uh, it's not you.

Buffy:I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander:The important thing is, _you_ believe that.

Xander:I knew you were lying. Undead... liar guy.

Xander: Well, yeah, I would give anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room.

Xander:Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Xander:Typical museum trick: Promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans.

Xander:What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts.

Xander: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to

Xander:Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordy:You sure don't.

Xander: You were a lousy clown! Your balloon animals were pathetic. Everyone can make a giraffe!

Xander: And I, in the meantime will help by standing around like an idiot.
Willow: Not like an idiot, just, standing.

Buffy: Tell me the truth. How's my hair?
Xander: It's great. It's your best hair ever.

Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?

Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with dead boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?

Xander: So Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go last night? No,wait, I don't mean that either.

Buffy: I'm not just some crazy person. I'm the Slayer.
Xander: The Dummy Slayer?

Xander: It's a dream. It's gotta' be a dream. Ow! Wake up. (Ow! Gotta' wake up. Aah!!!

Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is a better part of valor.
Xander: You could have just said shhh. Are all you Brits such drama queens.

Xander: It's sad granted. But let's look the upside for the moment. I mean, what kind of a future would she have had with him? She's got two jobs; Denny's waitress by day, Slayer by night. Angel's always in front of the TV with a blood belly. He's dreaming of the glory days when Buffy still thought this creature of the night routine was a big turn-on.
Willow: You thought way too much about this.
Xander: No, no. That's just the beginning. Have I told you the part where I fly into town in my private jet and take Buffy out for prime rib.

Xander: I do not babble. I occasionally run on, every now and then I yammer.

Xander: It's not what you think!
Willow: You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?
Xander: Oh, well, I guess it is what you think.

Buffy: Vampire.
Xander: So, that's good right? I mean, in a sense of the werewolf didn't get her. No, there is no good here.
Buffy: No good.

Xander:Yeah, I'll whittle stakes.
Willow:And I can research stuff.
Xander:And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Xander: Those who can do. Those who can't laugh at those who can do.

Willow: We need to figure out how to kill this thing, and we need to do it fast.
Xander: Hot lava.
Willow: That's for a heretic.
Xander: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, ooh, ooh, bury a potato. No, that's for warts. Who writes this stuff?!

Willow: That's Angel.
Xander: He's Buffy's beau. Her special friend.
Ford: He's not in school, right? He looks older than her.
Xander: You're not wrong.

Xander: We gotta find them. Um, we gotta go to that place, that, uh, factory, thats where they hold up, right? Lets go
cordelia: And do what? Besides be afraid and die.
xander: Well, nobodys asking you to go, Cordelia. If the vampires need grooming tips, we'll give you a call.

Xander: So, you just went home?
Buffy: What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, 'Sorry I was late. I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass'?
Xander: Or, 'Flat tire'?

Xander:As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
Buffy:Are you crazy?! Why did you say that? Now something bad's going to happen.
Xander:What do you mean? Nothing's going to happen.
Willow:Not until some dummy says, As long as nothing bad happens.
Buffy:It's the ultimate jinx.

Cordelia: Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.
Xander: Fine, I'll spend, then we'll grope, whatever. I just think it's some kind of a whack that we have to hide what we feel from all of our friends..
Cordelia: Of course you want to tell everybody, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I on the other hand, have everything to be ashamed of.
Xander: You know what, enough said. Forget it, it must have been my multiple personality guy talking, I call him idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.

Willow: Sorry, I wanted to surprise you.
Xander: Good job, high marks.

Xander: This time I'm ready for you. No F for Xander today. No, this baby is my ticket to a sweet D minus.

Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.

Xander: I've been thinking a lot about us lately. The why and the where for. You know. Once, twice, a kissie here, a kissie there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. And maybe that's all we have here, tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. And vice versa. I mean, I think I do.... see something.

Xander: I have a plan. We use me as bait.
Buffy: You mean make Angel come after you?
Xander: No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at cause it would be more fun than my life.

Cordelia: So Giles is gonna try to kill Angel then.
Xander: Well, it's about time somebody did.
Willow: Xander.
Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying I told you so long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say faster pussycat kill kill.

Xander: You know, I think there might be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms.
Cordelia: Oh God, I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants.
Xander: Yup, you're doomed to having to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.

Buffy: Which one do you think Owen will like better: the red or the peach?
Xander: Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red's fine.
Buffy: Thanks. I'll go with the peach.

Xander: You know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um, a mate. And then we can observe their mating rituals, and tag them before they migrate... just kill me!

Xander: I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain.

Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: It actually kind of turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.

Xander: Buffy, I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me. On a date.
Buffy: I don't know what to say.
Xander: Well, you're not laughing. That's a good start.

Mr Whitmore: How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings.
Xander:Yes!
Mr Whitmore: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

Xander: I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself.
Coredelia: Not just any girl. You're special.

Xander: Someone else's loss is my chocolatey goodness! -

Willow:  I'm kind of curious to find out what sort of career I could have.
Xander: What, and suck all the spontanaity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: You're not going to be young forever
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid.... Okay, let's not all rush to disagree.

Willow: Goody! Research party!
Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way.

Xander: He's like Super Librarian. Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.

Xander: Can you say overreaction?
Buffy:  Can you say sucking chest wound?

Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it. Something damn manly.

Xander:You ever think that the world's a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped, and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
Willow:All the time
.
Cordy:Xander, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do to...
Xander:Do you mind? We're talking here. So, where were we?
Willow:Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander:Yeah. So why do you think that is?

Xander: It's a baby. You got to keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.

Xander: Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me

Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear but... where did they put his head?
Willow: Good point - I *didn't* want to hear that.

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good.

Xander: So, what's on tap tonight that's so important? Uprising? Prophesied ritual? Pre-ordained deathfest?
Buffy: Ah, the old standards.

Xander: Halloween quiet? I figured it would be a big ol' vamp scareapalooza.
Buffy: Not according to Giles. He swears that tomorrow night is like dead for the undead. They stay in.
Xander: Those wacky vampires. That's why I love 'em. They just keeps ya guessing.

Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scaldin water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your egg?
Xander: Yeah, I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

Xander: Can I just say... ghuuuh!

Xander: Neural clamping. That sounds skippable.

Xander: Big noise scare monster, remember?

Xander:And speaking of love...
Willow:We were talking about the reanimation of dead tissues.
Xander:Do I deconstruct your segues?

Ms. Calendar: Hmm. You're here again?You kids really dig the library, don't cha?
Buffy: We're literary!
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Xander: Private Harris reporting for Oz watch.

Xander: Oh, not to freak. I rested my eyes now and then, that's all.
Giles: How long exactly did you rest your eyes for?
Xander: A little now, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave and he was here in the morning when I um... I um...
Giles: Woke up!
Xander: You can put it that way if you want to Mr. Technical.

Xander: I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!

Xander: All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?

Willow: Why is Marcie doing this?
Giles: The loneliness, the constant exile. She's--she has gone mad.
Xander: You think?

Cordelia: Oz ate someone last night.
Willow: He did not.
Xander: Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect- people get cut to ribbons and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... I'm not helping, am I?

Xander: Oh, hey, do you want to come to our place for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place.
Willow: Xander, do you guys even have a stove?
 

Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow, was there, well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander: Yeah, some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping...?
 

Willow (about Buffy): She's possessed!
Giles: Possessed.
Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? (pause) She's possessed.

Willow: Why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitka?
 

Willow: What would somebody want with Master bones?
Xander: A trophy, a horrible conversations piece...

Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night.
 

Umpata: I like you too.
Xander: Really?!
Umpata: Really!
Xander: That's great! Really?
Umpata: Really!
Xander: That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you? (pause) Sorry. Someone else.

Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.
Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties. That's not askew, that's cockeyed.
Willow: Askew means cockeyed.
Xander: Oh.

Xander: I've gotta keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat guys creep me.
Willow: You wanna protect her?
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Willow: And prove that you're just as good as those rich, snotty guys?
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Willow: Maybe catch an orgy?
Xander: If it's on early.

Larry: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?
Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a foundation for future bliss.

Buffy: Willow, do we have to be in total share mode?
Xander: Hey, it's me! If Angel's doing something wrong I wanna know about it...'cause it gives me a happy.

Ford: If you guys already had plans...would I be imposing?
Xander: Oh, only in the literal sense.

Willow: That's Angel. Xander: He's Buffy's beau, her special friend.
Ford: He's not in school, right? He looks older than her.
Xander: You're not wrong.
(Later, Ford and Angel shake hands.)
Ford: Whoa! Cold hands.
Xander: You're not wrong.

Xander: Ooh, gang, do you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my
best day ever!

Xander: Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! Well, that's the cookie talking, but you rock!

Willow: Buffy! How come you weren't in class?
Buffy: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is "absent".

Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You - Angel - big - smoochies?
Buffy: Shut - up.

Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
 

Giles: If Drucilla is alive, it could be a fairly cataclysmic state of affairs.
Xander: Again, so many words! Couldn't you just say we'd be in trouble?
Giles: Go to class, Xander.
Xander: Gone. Notice the economy of phrasing. Gone. Simple. Direct.

Xander: Whoa - whoa. I think I'm having a thought. Yeah - yeah, that's a thought. (gasp) Now I'm having a plan. (The lights go out.) Now I'm having a wiggins.

Cordelia: Care to let me in on the plan I'm a part of?
Xander: No.
Cordelia: Why not?
Xander: Because if I tell you, you won't do it. Just meet me at Willow's house in half an hour, and wear something
trashy - er.

Soldier: You've got twenty minutes, nimrod.
Xander: I just need five. (Pause) Forget I said that last part.

Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
 

Xander: Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?

Xander: Blackmail is such and ugly word.
Amy: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.

Amy: That kind of thing is the hardest, I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity?
Xander: Whoa! Whoa, back up! Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long
before his head explodes.

Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: Really? It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance -?

Cordelia (about Angel): Oh, god! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants.
Xander: Yep, you're doomed to giving him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it, and those guys never chip in for gas.

Giles (to Buffy): It's classic battle strategy, to throw one's opponent off his game. He's just trying to provoke you, to taunt you, to goad you into some mishap of some sort.
Xander: The "na-na-na-na-na-na" approach to battle.
Giles: Yes, Xander, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.

Buffy: So what you're basically saying is just ignore him and maybe he'll go away?
Giles: Yes, precisely.
Xander: Hey, how come Buffy doesn't get a snotty "once again you boil it down to the simplest possible form" thing?
Watcher's pet.

Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes…I gotta get me a life!

Buffy: I'm telling you, something weird is going on.
Xander: "Something weird is going on." Isn't that our school motto?

Xander: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.

Giles: They're absorbing the steroid mixture through the steam.
Xander: Not they. We! Me! We need to find an antidote, don't you think? The clock is ticking, people!
Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. I mean it's not like you were exposed more than once. (Xander
looks freaked.) Twice?
Xander: Three times a fish guy.

Cordelia: It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy but it's another to be dating the creature from the blue
lagoon.
Xander: Black lagoon. The creature from the blue lagoon was Brooke Shields, and thank you so much for your support!

Cordelia: Xander has a point.
Xander: You know I wish that just for once you would support me and I realize right now that you were and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna get back to the point.

Willow: I wonder what she's doing right now.
Xander: Oh I know what she's doing. Gabbing to all of her friends about her passionate affair with Pedro the cabana
boy, laughing about me, thinking how she still might have feelings about me. (Pause) It's possible you were talking
about Buffy.

Cordelia: Where do I hide?
Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.

Buffy: What if he's mad?
Xander: Mad? Just because you ran away and abandoned your post and your friends and your mom and made him lay
awake every night worrying about you? (pause) Maybe we should wait out here.

Xander: So where were you? Did you go to Belgium?
Buffy: Why would I go to Belgium?
Xander: I think the relevant question is why wouldn't you?

Willow: We were gettin good. We dusted nine out of ten.
Oz (under his breath): Six out of ten.
Willow: Six out of ten.
Xander: Whatever, we were kickin a little undead booty.

Xander: Buffy, banned from campus but not from our hearts, how are you and what's for lunch?

Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.

Xander: Call of the Wild. Aren't we reading the Cliff's Notes to this for English?

Xander (examining a corpse): This guy's pretty barfworthy. Can't we be elsewhere?

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: They're training?
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Xander: That didn't just happen!
Willow: No! I mean it did, but, it didn't!
Xander: Because I respect you, and Oz, and I would never-
Willow: I would never either. It, it must be the clothes. It's a fluke.
Xander: It's a clothes fluke, that's what it is! And there'll be no more fluking.
Willow: Not ever.
(They almost kiss again.) Xander: We gotta get out of these clothes!
Willow: Right now.
Xander: Oh, I didn't mean -
Willow: I didn't mean either!

Xander: These things are selling like hot cakes, which is ironic, because the hot cakes really aren't moving.

Xander: Hey Snyder, heard you had some fun Friday night. Have you come down yet?
Principal Snyder: That's Principal Snyder.
Xander: And that's a big yup.

Xander: We're friends. Old, old friends. And maybe we've had one or two indiscretions, but that's all past. Look,
we're just very good friends, who like to hang out, and can I kiss your earlobe?
Willow: No! Well ok. No!
 

Xander: So do you really need to resort to the black arts to keep our hormones in check?
Willow: At this point I'm thinking no.